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Use your voice at the boardroom table

September 23, 2014 by Brenda Leave a Comment

I have noticed a pattern forming amongst the professional and executive women I coach. And this applies to some men, too. Many find that although they can adequately and confidently express themselves elsewhere, in the boardroom they lose their voice. 

Let me share a few examples.  I have changed names to protect individual privacy: 

  • Ann, an attorney and director of a law firm can confidently stand up in court and address the judge. However, at the boardroom table she doesn’t express her views as her words come out sounding like ‘nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah’.
  • Beth feels demoralised because when she discussed her idea with the chairman before the meeting he said: ‘That is a great idea.  We’ll let one of the men put it forward.’ As we shared stories like this, the women around our lunch table nodded in agreement because many had experienced similar situations. 
  • Susan, demotivated by the inconsequential, rambling input from various participants at meetings, knows that she withdraws emotionally. She says ‘I have been told that my facial expression reflects this’.  In her words, she ‘freezes’.  Thus she doesn’t share her valuable input.  The chairman and those from ‘head office’ interact with her personally only at these meetings.  Thus they view her as an introvert who doesn’t participate or contribute her views.  What value does she add to these meetings?  In fact, she feels that her performance at these meetings prejudices their perception of her contribution to the whole organisation. 
  • Quietly-spoken Mandy has valuable experience across all domains of the company both nationally and internationally. Yet, she doesn’t voice her opinion at meetings because she feels that if she disagrees with others’ interpretations or suggestions that she’ll be seen as disrespectful.   

These are just a few of the many examples that my clients have personally shared with me in the last few weeks.  I’m sharing a few cases given to me by women, but there are many men in similar situations. 

Contribution at meetings often forms the stepping stone to recognition.  People remember you.  So when there are opportunities to be offered, the relevant decision-makers think of you as the ‘person of choice’. 

Let me share my own story with you.  Thirty years ago when I was appointed to a ‘board of governors’ I felt totally ‘out of my depth’.  I had expected the experience to be similar to being part of a parent-teachers association committee.  And it most definitely wasn’t.  I felt exactly as though Ann, Beth, Susan and Mandy’s issues were all rolled in to one person, me.  All their characteristics were mine.  I had them all!  I wanted to quit. 

However, a wonderful friend and advisor, Brian Kurz who was experienced in board matters invited me to consider doing two things and I’m very grateful to him. His advice changed my life. The first was immediately after every meeting to write down everything that I should/could have said – and hadn’t had the courage to voice.  The second was to join an organisation which would enable me to learn and practise formal business meeting procedure.  I followed his advice and did both of these. I was surprised to look back on my notes and see how valuable my contribution would/could have been if I had ‘used my voice’.   So I gained more confidence in expressing my opinion.  Through becoming familiar with ‘rules of order’ and practising, it also gave me a foundation on which to build my input.  

As I became more confident and more competent, a wave of opportunities presented themselves to me.  For example, I would not have dreamt that I could become the first female president of the Pietermaritzburg Chamber of Commerce and Industries. Nor would I steadily have climbed from level to level in an international organisation, landing up as ‘international president’.  I had learned to ‘use my voice’. 

So there is hope!  Let’s look at a few self-observations, practices and exercises which if done on a regular basis, can help individuals gain confidence and find ways of expressing themselves authentically.  We can work on ways that will eventually seem natural or become our ‘default’. 

Self-observation 

After every meeting, write down all the things that you should/could have said, but didn’t.  And the reasons can vary enormously. 

  • Like Ann, from experience you know your words just don’t come out sounding substantial, the way you intended them. So you keep quiet.
  • You might be feeling similar to the way Beth feels. She knows her ideas are great, but when the chairman told her that her idea would carry more weight if presented by some-one else, that wasn’t good for her confidence.  She continues to feel wounded by that experience.
  • Or like Susan, others seem to be addressing irrelevant issues and ramble ‘on and on’ so you just ‘switch off’.
  • Perhaps you don’t agree with what is being said and just don’t want to seem disrespectful? You aren’t able to express your opinion in a suitable way.  Mandy isn’t alone in the way she ‘holds back’.

So, in each or our experiences, there may be a combination of Ann, Beth, Susan or Mandy’s examples.  What didn’t you say?  And what did your body feel like at the time?  Notice the clues your body provides.  Did it feel heavy?  Was there a feeling of tightness in your chest, stomach or elsewhere?  Were you hot or cold?  Did your voice seem too high-pitched, scratchy, soft?  And what was our breathing like? There are many other physical manifestations you can ‘tune in’ to. 

By creating awareness of your physical state, you can learn to tap in to the ‘wisdom of the body’ which often warns you in time to self-correct and self-generate. 

Once you have written your notes after each meeting, leave them for a while before reading them.  When you do come back to them, you may notice patterns that will be helpful in finding ways to help you improve. 

Practice

I often find the following two simple practices very helpful to clients in my Executive Coaching or Leadership Development programmes.  However, they must be done over and over on a daily basis until new neural pathways have developed.  This is not a ‘quick fix’!

Practice 1:  Finding your voice

Instructions

  1. Stand against a wall with as much of your head, body and feet as possible touching the wall. (We all have humps and bumps in different places.)  Put your fist under your chin, resting your fist on your chest to make sure your head is in the right position. This ‘posture of confidence’ is important.
  2. Read aloud for 3 minutes, projecting your voice as though you were speaking to some-one in the distance.
  3. As you read, listen to your voice. What does it sound like?  Does it reflect confidence and authority?

Frequency and duration

Choose a time which on most days will be suitable.  For example, you might choose 7 pm.  Repeat this practice every day, seven days a week, for at least 3 weeks.  (When individuals are in coaching programmes, the coach would reassess at each session.)

Purpose

Our voice is the vehicle that carries our message at meetings.  It has to be road-worthy! Finding our voice can be an important way of turning our ‘stumbling blocks’ into ‘stepping stones’.  The purpose of this practice is to help individuals become more comfortable with hearing their own (strong) voices speaking. Being familiar with the sound of our own voice brings comfort when verbalising our thoughts at formal meetings.  The more we practise, the more likely we are to be able to start controlling the way we sound.

Support

Perhaps there is some-one who could do this practice with you?  Some of my clients have included their children or spouses.  And this ‘reading aloud’ has been a great activity for everyone.

Barriers

There shouldn’t be any reason for not doing the practice.  At first it may seem a bit strange.  But it soon becomes more natural.

Practice 2:  Breathing

This practice can help you to use breathing as a powerful tool in all domains of your life.  It needs to be demonstrated so I’m not going to go into detail here.  And again it should be practised over and over. 

Exercises and reading

I encourage you to meet other executive or like-minded women or men for breakfast or lunch.  Share ideas.  Hearing that you are not alone in your dilemma helps.  Quality conversation is good for the soul! 

I highly recommend reading:

  1. Matthew Budd’s ‘You are what you say’. I invite you to get your personal copy and try working your way through his assignments.  They are great.
  2. Sheryl Sandberg’s ‘Lean In’ shows how it is not only the external environment that may hold women back. Many of the factors are internally generated.  We need to ‘lean in’, ‘put our hands up’ and participate fully.  And this applies to many men, too.

Reflection and journaling

Getting into the habit of reflecting and journaling every day can help you to notice patterns and see what your ‘blind spots’ might be.  

Even before I knew about coaching, I was doing self-observations, practices, exercises, reflecting and journaling.  I was fortunate to have a friend and advisor like Brian Kurz as a role model who inspired me.  He gave me confidence and showed me what I needed to do to become proficient.  And it is time for me to pass it on’.  And I hope that you, the readers will benefit from this article. 

Of course, finding yourself the right coach could help you to shift to a new ‘way of being’.  The benefits would be enormous.  If you are heard in all domains, not just the board meetings, if you can contribute confidently, how much more fulfilling would your life be? 

You are welcome to contact me for more information on Executive Coaching, leadership development mentoring or training at brenda@146.66.90.172 or phone +27 82 4993311.

Inspirational reflection and journaling

April 21, 2014 by Brenda Leave a Comment

Amidst the bustle of everyday life, it is good to see inspiring quotes that give rise to meaningful insights.  But we need to stop and reflect in order to process these messages. 

In a previous article, ‘The streets where you walk’  I mentioned the experience of walking along the pedestrian Zone in Rosebank, Johannesburg where inspirational quotes are embedded in granite pavers.  To me it is fascinating how the planners managed to provide a combination of sculptures and inspirational thoughts that encourage pedestrians to stop and reflect. 

blog152

The designers of the Zone certainly managed to create an appealing environment where people want to be.

  • Think of the design in your own life:  what are those things you ‘make’?
  • How would you describe that which is ‘between those things’?
  • How would shifting to a different angle change your view of the spaces between objects, events or other experiences?

blog152a

My reflective questions for this quotation are:

  • Recently, how have you allowed your mind to be stretched?  Give an example.
  • How has this changed your thinking? 

blog152c

When I was elected to a leadership position that meant that I’d have a ‘public profile’ my brother-in-law warned me… ‘Remember, when you are on the stage, people throw bouquets.  But they also throw rocks.  Be prepared for both’.

His wise words echo in my mind often.  In leadership positions we have to make quick decisive decisions.  This is particularly true in these uncertain and volatile times. And we are going to make mistakes.  And so the quote above is relevant to all of us.
My questions here are:

  • When did you last make a mistake?
  • What did you do to recharge your energy?
  • And how quickly did you recover?
  • What did you do to make sure that you weren’t permanently scarred?
  • How are you going to transfer the learning from this mistake to future scenarios?

 blog152b

 Often we don’t appreciate our own capabilities.  And being thrown into a crisis can help us to function in a way that planned endeavours may have made impossible. Our own thinking limits us.  We need to dream, explore and expand our horizons so that we can get closer to achieving potential.

I encourage you to reflect further on these inspirational quotes.  What do they mean to you?  Journal your thoughts and you’ll be surprised at how your own ideas will surface.

For more information on Keynote Speaking or Executive Coaching please contact Brenda on brenda@146.66.90.172 or +27 82 4993311.

117: The importance of reflection and journaling

May 19, 2013 by Brenda Leave a Comment

Reflection followed by journaling is an important part of the process for those engaged in shifting their ‘way of being’ and making positive changes in their lives. 

By ‘reflection’ we mean creating an intentional pause during which real self-awareness is possible.  Stillness enables introspection.  And this is often difficult for clients.  The demands of professional and business careers usually come with the expectation that being constantly ‘in action’ is the only way to achieve positive results.  This also applies to those of us in leadership positions. 

Reflection provides an opportunity to think about our cognitive, emotional and somatic states at any specific time.  Thus we can more easily recognise the patterns in our lives and acknowledge the part we personally play in establishing those patterns.  Thus reflection is an important element in changing ‘stumbling blocks’ into ‘stepping stones’.  Please see the post, ‘Turning ‘stumbling blocks’ into ‘stepping stones’:  the BIG picture’.  

As an ‘integral coach’, I usually suggest that clients’ reflections involve stopping and thinking about what happened during the day and their role in those developments.  How did they react – or how did they respond to situations?  What were their feelings at the time?  How does the response show something of their past, their present and their future possibilities?  How are their self-observations, practices and exercises going?  What are their great insights for that day? And which were their crystal-clear moments?  And what did their bodies feel like at any of those times? 

Without stopping to reflect we often go on blindly ignoring the way we are perpetuating patterns of thought and behaviour which may not be serving us well. 

Journaling crystallises our thoughts and consolidates the process of refection.  So we usually combine these two assignments or do our journaling immediately after our reflection on a daily basis.  This critical habit is part of the integral coaching process.  And for many people this isn’t easy.  However the benefits are enormous.  Journaling helps capture the insights gained in a meaningful way and generally celebrates progress and areas that we need to work on.  Through conversation the coach can gain valuable information for building a programme where the practices and exercises are even more relevant. 

When clients are battling with their journaling there are many ways to creatively make the activities more enjoyable – and thus more sustainable.  Through my coaching experience I have noticed that often a slight change can make a big difference.  Although I don’t see the contents of the client’s journal, we discuss their insights and progress at each session.   Here are some of the areas I usually explore with clients: 

  • Journaling in writing seems to generate better results than capturing reflections on computer.  Writing manually is quite a challenge for many who are accustomed to doing everything on computer or on their iPads.  Audio recordings also do not seem to have the same benefits as ‘good old-fashioned’ writing.   Try it!
  • The choice of journal is important.  Some clients choose A4 size, others prefer a book that will fit in their handbags.  The colour and type of cover need to be appealing to the owner?  Will it encourage you to pick it up and write?  And what does it feel like?  Is it hard and rigid?  Or is it soft and pliable?  And do you prefer lines – or blank pages?  I have found interesting journals in the most unusual places.  For example, I bought the one I’m using at present from  ‘Mr Price Home’.  And I love it!

 blog117

 

  • Mandy (*) a Chartered Accountant recently provided an excellent example of finding a creative solution regarding her ‘type of journal’.  She has achieved great heights in her profession and other areas of her life.  And she was committed to our ‘Executive Coaching’ programme and diligently following through on all our agreed assignments.  However, she found the reflections and journaling extremely difficult.  At first she tried capturing her thoughts each evening on computer.  She couldn’t sustain that.  So after the next session she tried writing in a new journal.  That too was not working.  But we persisted and she creatively tried to find a way that engaged her and was sustainable.  She found the solution herself.  The answer was using a ring-bound journal.  Knowing that she could tear out the pages if she was not happy with what she had written made her feel less vulnerable.  And her journaling became an authentic recording of her reflections.  As far as I know she hasn’t yet torn out a page!  But, knowing that she could remove a page if she wanted to was the solution to her uneasiness.
  • Many of us are particular about the type of pens we use.  So, if we are not comfortable with one type, it is worth persisting and trying a variety.  Geoffrey (*) writes freely with gelwriters with rubber grips.  Giving him a ballpoint does not bring out the best in him!  What is your favourite type of pen?
  • The colour of the ink is also important.  Jane (*) has a set of pens and consciously decides which colour she feels like using that day.  Some days she writes different components of her journaling in different colours.  Things she is proud of might be red, areas that are making her nervous might be purple and growth could be green.  
  • I assign drawing Mandalas as a practice to many of my clients and these can be effectively incorporated into the day’s journaling.  Please see my previous article,   Mandalas to unmuddle the mind.  It is the process of creating Mandalas that is important – and we do not set out to produce a masterpiece.  In fact, we are purposely ‘non- judgemental’ in our approach.   Including Mandala’s in our journaling certainly brings the pages to life.  Here is a glimpse of one of the pages in my current journal: 

 blog117a

  • Many clients enjoy drawing pictures or patterns in their journals, too.
  • It is better to have a set time of day to journal.  Using suitable phone reminders helps us to establish the new journaling habit.  And it is good to start small – possibly assign only 5 minutes a day in the beginning?
  • Remember that we are doing our reflections and journaling primarily for our own self-development.  Writing with the mindset that others will read what we have written destroys our ability to be authentic, to allow our real thoughts to surface.  We need to be honest even when what we write may sound ridiculous, irrational and unlike the way we have been conditioned to think of ourselves.  We need to let the writing flow and not look back during each session.  We need to be curious, not judgmental. 
  • Don’t look back too often!  In order to appreciate the progress we are making, it is important not to look back on our journaling too soon or too often.  After a few weeks or months, go over the writings looking for patterns.  It is amazing what surfaces.  Try it – it is worth persisting in establishing this habit.  

There will often be challenges in setting the time aside and in following through in immersing ourselves in the reflections and journaling.  But there are creative ways of finding solutions.  Find the way that suits you best and establish a sustainable habit.   The benefits are enormous!  

(*)  Names have been changed to protect clients’ identities.  

For more information on ‘Executive Coaching’, or other services offered, please visit www.strategy-leadership.com or e-mail brenda@146.66.90.172

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