Conversations | Brenda Eckstein International

Sustaining Positive Relationships

November 8, 2018 by Brenda Leave a Comment

People continue to enrich my life. Recently I was interviewed by the amazing Michelle Pascoe of Optimum Operating Procedures and Services (OOPS!) who works mainly in the casino, gaming and hospitality industries in Australia and elsewhere.

Michelle and I became friends a number of years ago through our mutual membership of the Sydney Chapter of the National Speakers Association of Australia (NSAA) which later became Professional Speakers Australia (PSA). Over the years we have shared many wonderful conversations as our fields of interest and work are intertwined.

My recent interview formed part of Michelle’s Middle Management Movement (M3) series and can be accessed here. She describes the topic as my “tips on how to find and choose the right coach to inspire you to achieve your full potential and sustain your well-being”. The title of the interview was “Choosing the Right Executive Coach” an area of great interest to me. When a good interviewer, like Michelle, sets the scene and asks you the right questions, you discover that you can add value. So please listen to the recording and let me know your thoughts. Thank you!

The building of relationships is an ongoing process. What are you doing to move away from a transactional approach (meeting a person for the first time and holding a conversation) to following up and building the relationship so that you can help each other? Nurture your friendships, hold quality conversations, explore common ground and you will be able to recognise and optimise opportunities for each other.

My questions for you are:

What are you doing to network with like-minded people?
How are you improving the quality of your conversations?
How can you include someone else in a combined effort?

For more information on leadership development, improving your networking or Executive Coaching please contact Brenda on +27 82 4993311 or brenda@146.66.90.172 Thank you!

How to build quality conversation

August 23, 2018 by Brenda Leave a Comment

Clients often express the need to improve their conversation skills. While this falls more under the realm of the training and mentoring services which I offer, conversation also provides the framework for Executive Coaching.

As humans, conversation affects every aspect of our lives ranging from public dialogue between nations to good-night stories with our children. I even talk to my dogs! Here the tone of voice is as important as the content of our message. That applies when talking to humans, too. In addition, our presence, the way we present ourselves, is also important. How do we come across? - as ‘open’, non-judgmental and friendly? – or as unapproachable?

Effective conversation skills can be learned. And the more we practise, the more confident we become. Thus we more readily accept invitations. Being able to participate or engage enables us to build positive relationships. We get to know people. This opens more opportunities leading to trust. The more we trust people, the more likely we are to view them as ‘the person of choice’ when making decisions. In addition, when we are the ‘person of choice', there is more likelihood of an absence of malice. In other words, when things go wrong we are given the ‘benefit of the doubt’.

I have given more detail on conversation skills in my two books on networking, ‘Networking Tactics: a guide to achieving success through personal networking’ and ‘ABCs of Networking: Fifty-two ways to achieve success' . My invitation is for you also to refer to the following, just a few of the 200 articles under the blog section of my website:

So, as a coach or mentor, how do I help people to improve their conversation skills? Here I am covering just a few aspects.

The ‘listen, comment, question’ technique
The first step is to build new neural pathways through practising my ‘listen, comment, question' technique on an ongoing basis. This approach can be applied to a wide range of communication skills such as coaching, interviewing and also to informal conversations.

As you can see, there are three parts to this technique. We need to listen deeply to what the person is, or isn’t saying. I also put the word, ‘look’ here as often the first step is to comment on something visual. This could be the person’s namebadge, their business card or your perception that they appear familiar.

The next step is to comment on what the person has just said. That shows them that you have been listening and that you are interested.

Next you ask an open question. I am going to expand on this part of the ‘listen, comment, question’ technique. The art of asking powerful questions can also be learned. Open questions encourage the person to talk while you listen. So making non-judgmental comments and asking powerful questions go hand-in-hand.

Let’s look at how we develop those ‘powerful questions’ whether we are coaching, taking part in a board meeting or speaking to friends. Coaching can teach us certain techniques and here I’m going to show you a few of hundreds of possible examples (of questions) of how a few simple models, fully supported by philosophical frameworks can be used:

Habermas – I/we/it

How is the issue affecting you?
Who could support you?
In the broader context of your industry, what will the benefits be of your finding a solution?

Wilber’s Integral Theory – four-quadrant model

(I – inside me) How does this (what the person has just said) align with your value system?
(I – outside me) What actions do you intend taking?
(We – inside group) Who are the other role-players or stake-holders?
(It – outside – environment) How does this impact on the system?

Time lens

What have you tried in the past?
How are you dealing with the issue at present?
What will the future look like if you resolve the issue?

Head/heart/action

If your head were to write you a letter now, what would it say?
What is your heart’s message?
Looking at the possible tension between the two responses above:
o What impasse (lack of action) are you notising?
o Which actions would be favourable?

Above I have given just a few simple example of how really listening to what a person is saying (and what they are not saying), processing that information and fitting it into models, can help frame powerful questions which will lead to quality conversation.

But take care! You can’t just learn these questions parrot fashion and fire them at the person you are talking to. You need to really listen, comment on what they have just said (so they know you really are listening) and then ask a relevant question that will stimulate them to their share more information or insights with you. This will lead to greater understanding and enable you to the ‘the person of choice’. But you need to be genuinely interested in what the other person is saying.

So, practise, practise, practise – and you are welcome to come to me if you need more help. Thank you!

My questions for you are:

Currently, under which circumstances is it important for you to ask the right questions?
How can you gain confidence in ‘leaning in’ and actually asking those relevant questions?
Think of a recent incident where your comment would have been valuable – where you missed an opportunity. In that situation what should you have said?
How can you improve in this area in the future?

For further information on Executive Coaching, mentoring, training in communication skills or leadership development please contact me, Brenda on +27 82 4993311 or brenda@146.66.90.172 Thank you!

Travelling companions on life’s journey

November 15, 2017 by Brenda Leave a Comment

In my second published book, ‘ABCs of Effective Networking’, I urge people to engage in quality conversation while travelling. Through recognising and optimising opportunities I have met some wonderful people. Of course, you need to be cognisant of people’s need for privacy and I do consider it a privilege if I sense that they are happy to engage in conversation.

Let me give you an example: Last week on the 13 ½ hour flight from Sydney to Johannesburg I discovered that I had a great travelling companion. As we settled down I looked at the guy sitting next to me and said; ‘you look familiar…are you a cricketer?’ I know nothing about cricket but I knew my granddaughter would never forgive me if I’d sat next to a famous cricketer and didn’t bother to ask his name. He adamantly replied, ‘no, I have never played cricket. I am a surfer.’ The conversation could have ended at that point but I was intrigued and persisted further. Practising what I preach I continued. ‘Oh, that is interesting. Where do you surf?’ (You’ll notice that I’m giving an example of using my ‘listen-comment-question’ technique of building quality conversations.)

I was then able to lead the conversation towards our work-lives. When he mentioned that he is a professional speaker, the ‘penny dropped’. He was Travis Bell, the Bucket List Guy. He and I belonged to the same organisation of Professional Speakers in Australia. That is why he looked so familiar. Of course then the conversation flowed. As we chatted we discovered that there were so many people whom we both knew and we had attended the same conferences.

I discovered that the reason he was taking the flight to South Africa was because he was on a work assignment. He was on his way to Monte Casino to present at a coaching organisation’s conference. Thus our conversation turned towards coaching, a topic of great interest to both of us. So we had so many areas of common interest. You might like to have a look at one of his videos:

Life's way too short not to live your Bucket List | Travis Bell | TEDxMelbourne

Travis Bell, Australian Professional Speaker

When next you travel by air, make a conscious effort to build quality conversation with the person sitting next to you. Use the ‘Listen – comment – question’ technique. And ask open questions. Yet, respect the person’s privacy. Not only are you likely to have a far more interesting journey, you’ll discover the person sitting next to you and enrich your own life.

My questions for you:

How often do you connect with the person sitting next to you, whether it be during a journey or seated at a conference?
What are you doing to improve your conversation skills?
Once initiated, if the relationship is of value to you, what action can you take to sustain that relationship?

Building relationships through quality conversation

July 23, 2012 by Brenda Leave a Comment

The ability to hold quality conversations is an attribute which can help us achieve greater success. Improving our conversation skills enables us to build and sustain positive relationships. And within those relationships, trust is important.

Technique

I have a simple formula which participants practise in the workshops. They then ‘transfer’ the learning to the real world.

Let’s go through this step by step.

We listen, really listen to the person speaking. This in itself is a challenge to many of us. Often, instead of concentrating on listening, our minds are racing ahead, thinking of our own example and wanting to voice our opinions.
We comment on what the person has just said. This confirms that we were listening.
We then ask an ‘open’ question.

In practising, both parties follow this format and the quality of conversations improves enormously.

The ability to tell short, relevant stories in context brings our message to life. So, where appropriate we introduce stories or other ‘word pictures’.

Coaching conversations

In ‘integral coaching’ we begin by building a ‘conversation for relationship’. This grounding is important and needs to be firmly established before we follow with ‘conversation for possibility’. How can we effectively explore possibilities without having built the relationship? The next stage is ‘conversation for action’ and this will never be as effective if the relationship has not been firmly established and possibilities properly explored.

I have found that often, even in business, people are surprised that where they believed that the other person had agreed on action, there was no ‘follow through’. On exploring further, we sometimes found that the person had jumped too fast to the action stage and had left the other person behind! So, backtracking to ‘conversation for relationship’ and ‘conversation for possibility’ helped form the foundation for an effective ‘conversation for action’.

Benefits of building positive relationships

There are many benefits of functioning within positive relationships. These include recognising and optimising opportunities. We all prefer to deal and do business with people we know and trust.

In addition, when things go wrong, where we trust people, we’ll usually give them the ‘benefit of the doubt’. In the case of the late delivery of good, our thoughts may be ‘he is such a reliable guy, his supplier must have let him down’. There will be an ‘absence of malice’. And we’ll work together will him to meet the challenge. This will build an even stronger base on which to continue developing the relationship.

Conversely, if we are dealing with some-one we don’t know and where trust has not been built up, our attitude in the same situation may be: ‘this guy is unreliable. I don’t like dealing with people who let me down. I’m not going to give him a second chance.’

Positive relationships help us to become the organisation of choice, the team of choice or the person of choice. Build and sustain positive relationships and you will benefit.

In ‘ABCs of Effective Networking: 52 ways to achieve success’ (ISBN 978-06204 1625 -2) on page 80 and 81 I cover more on relationships and the action we can take to improve relationships in all aspects of our lives. This is also addressed in ‘Networking tactics: a guide to achieving success through personal networking’ (ISBN. 978 – 06204 1624 – 5).

For more information on conversation skills, improving networking skills, building stronger networks or on ‘executive coaching’ please contact me brenda@146.66.90.172, Phone: +27 33 3425432, Mobile: + 27 82 4993311.

Pick up the phone

July 16, 2012 by Brenda Leave a Comment

A large organisations where I was rolling out a ‘customer service’ programme, introduced the mantra, ‘pick up the phone’. The purpose was to get people to talk to each other. By relying too heavily on e-mails and SMS’s, people were not building and sustaining personal relationships.

Even better than speaking on the phone is being able to interact ‘face-to-face’. Hearing a person’s voice, and being able to observe the subtle nuances of facial expressions and other gestures adds extra meaning to our words and leads to greater understanding.

The General Manager of my favourite hotel was telling me today that they are introducing ‘no e-mail days’ when staff may not send e-mails to their ‘internal customers’. The intention is to create awareness of the number of unnecessary e-mails we send. It also hi-lights the importance speaking to people. I applaud this initiative.

Many of us have developed ‘send an e-mail’ as our ‘default’ way-of-operating. What can each of us do to make sure we are communicating in the most effective way? How do we create awareness and ‘take action’ to hold a greater number of in-person ‘quality conversations’?

When presenting specific BEI workshops, we cover ‘how to hold quality conversations’ and ‘building positive relationships’. If you’d like further information, please contact me - brenda@146.66.90.172, Phone: +27 33 3425432, Mobile: + 27 82 4993311.

Discover The Person Sitting Next To You

May 7, 2011 by Brenda Leave a Comment

In an article entitled ‘Who is this person sitting next to you?’ Ross Snyder, of the Chicago Theological Seminary (1968), said: ‘You might say a name, describe how tall he is, and the colour of eyes and hair. But none of these things is what the person is. A person is invisible activities… ‘The person sitting next to you is an inexhaustible sort of existence. Within him are energies that have only been partially awakened. Nine-tenths of his possibility has not yet been touched off… ‘Thus the person sitting next to you is a cluster of memories of the past and expectations of the future. He (or she) is really a whole colony of persons, of people met all during a life. Something of these people has entered into this person forever. So that the person sitting next to you is really a city – a community. In that community live the father and mother of this person, the boys and girls with whom he played most, the people with whom he was at school, the persons with whom he competed, the enemies he met: all the live things of this world that came and interacted with this person. They are still deep within… ‘Each person is this world of experiences. …Thus the person sitting next to you is the greatest miracle and greatest mystery that you will ever meet.’ Whether you know the person sitting next to you or not, remember the words of Ross Snyder and apply them. Through holding quality conversations you can bring out the best in them. This will enrich your understanding of the person. Discover the person sitting next to you.