Brenda Eckstein International

Strategy, Leadership, Integral Coaching and Communication consulting

Successful women

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Have you read ‘Lean In:  women, work, and the will to lead’ by Sheryl Sandberg, COO of Facebook?  It has stirred up some challenging responses from both men and women.  One of my clients gave me a copy and reading it has inspired me to observe certain leadership behaviour patterns in others and in me. 

This topic was the inspiration behind conversation at a recent lunch at my favourite coffee shop, Aubergine to which I had invited seven of my women friends. It is amazing what happens when you gather around a table eight intelligent, diverse women who don’t know each other, nor who have any agenda (either hidden or declared!).  Thank you to Cheryne, Des, Hannah, May, Pam, Pranitha and Rosie for sharing their responses and for their quality input into our conversations.  

L-R: Pranitha Pather, Rosie Chite, and May Bingham.

L-R: Pranitha Pather, Rosie Chite, and May Bingham.

Success 

First, I asked them to write their ‘gut’ response in defining or describing ‘success’.   The answers were fascinating and included: 

  • Independence, guidance and the ability to make a difference in other’s lives; happiness at work and at home but continuously involved in the learning process.
  • Happiness in the ‘in-between’ moments; loving the sound of the alarm in the mornings; striving for excellence; satisfaction with a job well done; making a difference; mentoring; confident in own abilities   I matter: what I do matters.
  • Balance implying appropriateness for individuals in time management, which will differ from person to person, under different conditions.
  • Love what you do; see others growing through you and the ability to seeing and live the outcomes to your actions; and to be able to let go and let others go.
  • Enjoy and find your passion.
  • Learn from failure and be able to move on.

Characteristics of a successful woman

Next they were asked to list ten characteristics of a successful woman.  I have divided their responses into four groups or domains:

D1

  • Honesty and integrity – ethics and values.
  • Courage.
  • Self-Belief.
  • Humility.
  • High standards – aim at excellence.
  • Kind, empathetic, loving.
  • Positive attitudes - enjoy hard work – don’t see it as ‘work’.
  • Sense of humour.
  • Inner strength.
  • Enthusiasm.
  • Passion for ‘work’.
  • Joy.
  • Patience.
  • Authenticity and not having to prove oneself by being a ‘superwoman’.

D2

  • Confident and prepared to take a chance.
  • Resilient.
  • Flexible, adaptive.
  • Strong.
  • Powerful.
  • Have an opinion and be able to share and convince others.
  • Develop and grow people to see the change and make them happy.
  • Listening openly to others for interest – not just for networking.
  • Learning always – from family, peers, workers and network.
  • Stable, grounded and rock-like.
  • Curiosity – ask questions – and then really listen to the answers.
  • Open minded – and also know when to close it!
  • Fit - physically and emotionally.
  • Motivated.
  • Articulate for accurate communication.
  • Have the ability to ‘go against the flow’.
  • Leadership.

D3 

  • Emotionally intelligent.
  • Tolerance but with clear boundaries.
  • Non- discriminative – research and know before taking a decision.
  • Generosity.
  • Quick to praise and do this publicly.
  • Slow to criticise and do this privately.
  • Community spirit.
  • Helpful.
  • Empowered.

D4

  • Visionary.
  • Determination in achieving goals.
  • Attention to career development and success.
  • Chosen balance between work and family.
  • Faith in something more powerful than you.
  • Balance – whatever that means to each individual.
  • Knowledge.
  • Ability to separate life roles.

As South African women, how can we ‘lean in’ more?

This was the third and final question.  

We need to:

  • Develop the competence to know what to do;
  • Stop seeing each other as competition;
  • Engage with women from all communities, particularly in business;
  • Mentor, encourage, inspire and work with everyone;
  • Support each other – males and females;
  • Be sensitive to the process of withdrawing when necessary, and then  returning if necessary;
  • Share in forums and groups for quality conversations;
  • Participate and not just observe;
  • Lose the fear;
  • Be aware – have a finger on the pulse of situations;
  • Be postmodern – well-informed;
  • Be in the present;
  • Network;
  • Use the voice we have;
  • Support and motivate.

This exercise is not intended as an academic survey but simply the spontaneous answers written individually by a group of eight diverse women; the exercise took less than ten minutes.  Quality conversation and the sharing of ideas, the purpose of the meeting was achieved. A greater understanding of each other and of the way different people view the world was the outcome.  Great insights were gained and the conversations continued naturally and informally after the event.  This is a great way to build relationships and to network. 

Two years ago, under similar circumstances, I asked a group of women to list the characteristics of a successful woman.  Their answers are outlines in an article entitled, ‘Success is…’. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could all show these characteristics and feel successful?  Through Executive Coaching, whether you are a woman or a man, you can shift towards a better ‘way of being’.  This will enhance all aspects of your life. 

For more information on Executive Coaching, training in networking and communication skills or the other services offered by Brenda Eckstein International, please contact brenda@146.66.90.172 or phone +27 82 4993311.

Save Hyper – How do we continuously improve our service?

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I’m always fascinated at how similarly – and yet how differently - the teams from various firms approach the question, ‘What do we need to do to continuously improve our customer service?’

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At present we are running a six-week customer service programme with Save Hyper.  The management team developed their lists of their answers and these have been consolidated as follows: 

  1. Revisit the company vision and goals on a regular basis.  And explore what they really mean to the organisation and to the staff.  How do the staff see them?  How could they interpret and align their behaviour better?
  2. Create a culture of ‘continuous improvement’.  Practice ‘positive discontent’.  Regularly examine and question each element of your service.  And for each ask:  ‘is this the best it can be’?  If the answer is ‘yes’, we review that same element at the assigned review time and ask the same question again.  If the answer is ‘no’, then look at constructive and creative ways in which to remedy or improve that aspect of service.  And implement. 
  3. Go the extra mile.  I love the expression:  ‘there are no traffic jams on the extra mile’.  So few companies go there so this becomes a competitive advantage. 
  4. Make customer service memorable – it is an integral part of everyone’s work, regardless of job description. 
  5. Listen to what customers are really saying (rather than ‘listen to your customers’).  There I would add, ‘and take steps to find out what they are not saying’!
  6. Listen to your customers in a way that makes them feel valued. The quality of your listening is important.
  7. Consider everyone in the organisation as a brand ambassador.
  8. Observe how the staff present themselves.  And this is deeper than just how they appear, although that is very important.  Individual hygiene comes into this, too.  How professional and loyal do they appear in everything they do?  
  9. Take note of how staff members interact with customers and is their attitude positive?  Are they warm and friendly and building relationships?  Or are they just answering questions as part of their job?
  10. Engage with customers – both the external customers and the internal customers.  Build relationships.  Advise them on their needs and hi-light opportunities.
  11. Adapt to the customers’ changing wants and needs.  And here we need to becognisant of past and potential customers, too.  What do they want and need from your organisation or business?
  12. Find ways to creatively tap in to what people really think about your service and products.  Have effective, regular surveys with people who shop at your shop – and also with those who don’t.
  13. Have effective measurement tools to track customer service. Get regular relevant and useable feedback from customers.  Use it to improve business.
  14. Identify ‘stumbling blocks’.  What is making it more difficult for customers to shop with us?  How could we make it easier for our staff to do a good job?
  15. The managers and staff need to be visible and available.  This applies particularly when a query needs to be resolved.  It is pointless their being there, engrossed in ‘team-talk’ and not being available to customers.
  16. Address complaints promptly within the framework of your sound ‘bounce back strategy’.
  17. As managers, coach and mentor others.  Transfer your skills. Mentor team members and communicate regularly and effectively with them.
  18. Empower staff through regular training and other initiatives.
  19. Good customer service should be acknowledged and rewarded.  And this is an interesting point.  The sooner a member of the management team or team-leader says ‘well done’, the more effective it is.  And consider what reward would be appreciated?  Sometimes, the acknowledgement is enough and they don’t need any other reward.
  20. Monitor the cost effectiveness of improved service to all aspects of the business, including admin and warehouse.
  21. Display products in the most appealing and effective manner.  And merchandise productively.
  22. Everyone who answers a phone needs to be trained in telephone etiquette and use it effectively.
  23. Visit other retailers.  Know as much about your competitors as possible.  Use that information to build better service. Also explore diverse businesses to see if there are ideas you could adapt and incorporate.
  24. Everyone needs to practise self-leadership.  Be flexible and open to change and improving the way you do things.
  25. Make customer service a functional requirement of everyone’s job.
  26. Have fun!  Enjoy your work.

The conversations in groups provide a platform for quality conversation.  By sharing ideas and perceptions, not only is information transferred, but relationships are built.  Relationships both within the business and externally as well provide the framework within which customer service can flourish.

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For more information on Sustainable Customer Service strategy or any of the other services we offer, please contact brenda@146.66.90.172 or phone +27 82 4993311.

147: A grain of rice

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I am proud to be one of the contributing authors whose articles are included in Rob Salisbury’s new e-book, ‘Motivating your Mind….Inspiring your Spirit’.  Rob, Director of Strategic Resources International (Singapore and Sydney) and Monika Newman, 2014 e-book Project Manager harnessed the power of diverse input and created a harmonious whole.  Congratulations Rob and Monika! 

With over 90 contributors and 100 stories in total, you’ll find something of value in the inspiring articles in this international e-book.  You can download a complimentary copy here http://bit.ly/SRI2014_e-book by clicking on the link and then double clicking on the document and saving to your computer. You’ll see ‘A grain of rice!’ on page 25.  And you are welcome to share with your associates and clients, too. 

For ease of reference ‘A grain of rice’ is copied below: 

Picture the scene.  You are taking an important client to your favourite restaurant for dinner.  Your personal assistant phoned and booked.  And you know you’ll be shown to your table-of-choice.  This is exciting!  You can’t wait! 

As you drive into the familiar well-lit parking area, conversation with Maggie is good. The ‘perfect gentleman’, you open the car door for her and lead her towards the welcoming entrance to the restaurant.  Familiar faces come forward and greet you warmly by name. 

The atmosphere is perfect, the temperature exactly right.  The background aroma is appealing, not too dominant.  The lighting is just right with candles providing a soft glow.  You are proud that you have chosen this restaurant for an important relationship-building exercise. You glance around, people deeply engaged in conversation are smiling and the atmosphere is professional and yet congenial. 

The beautiful white starched table-cloths and napkins form a background to the shining silverware and sparkling glasses.  You order wine and your guest is invited to study the food menu.  You know exactly what you are going to eat.  You always order the same because it is so good.  Your mind is churning and you want to say:  ‘Hurry up Maggie, I’m hungry!’  But you politely wait for the maître-d to describe the specials and you give her time to study the menu.  

You chat and at the appropriate time, the food arrives.  You politely wait for her to pick up her cutlery and to start eating.  You eagerly await her approval of the food.  But….. as she picks up her fork to start eating, you notice that there is a single grain of rice stuck to her fork!    At the moment you notice that single grain of rice, she does, too.  She looks at in horror and doesn’t quite know what to do.    She has been given a dirty fork, one that has been in some-one else’s mouth before being half-washed and put back on the table. Where else has that grain of rice been?  No-one wants to eat recycled rice! 

Do you think your guest enjoyed the rest of the meal?  Were you proud of your choice of restaurant?  What did that one grain of rice do for your ego?  All the good times you’d had at the restaurant most probably paled into insignificance.  ‘How dare they not wash their forks properly’ – was the thought that went through your mind.  You possibly felt cheated, betrayed.  

All it takes is a single negative event to destroy a reputation.  Attention to detail is important if we intend being the person of choice, the team of choice or the organisation of choice. Positive relationships help to provide the platform for an ‘absence of malice’.  In other words, we may give the restaurateur the ‘benefit of the doubt’ when things do go wrong. 

The grain of rice is a wonderful metaphor for all aspects of the way we conduct ourselves and our businesses.  Everything else can be 100% perfect.  Yet one grain of rice in the wrong place can create a negative impression that can undo years of hard work.  My question to you is this:  What can you do to make sure that your forks are properly cleaned?  Every grain of rice needs to be in the right place.  Pay attention to detail! 

Brenda Eckstein is a speaker, trainer and executive coach who is based in South Africa but belongs to the New South Wales Chapter of NSAA.  She has published two books, ‘Networking Tactics’ and ‘ABCs of Effective Networking’. 

For more information on Brenda Eckstein International please see www.strategy-leadership.com or contact Brenda on brenda@ strategy-leadership.com or +27 82 4993311.

128: Questioning professional communication

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I have found that ineffective communication is a significant challenge facing most organisations, firms and businesses.  This applies to both external and internal communication.  Management teams consider the combination of ‘Effective Delegation’, ‘Giving Instructions’ and ‘How to be Assertive’ particularly helpful.   We often combine these topics into a one-day workshop.  Where this training is held  ‘in house’ for a specific group, I always provide a ‘report back’ meeting afterwards to explore the benefits and make sure the primary clients are happy with the outcomes .  We also look at what is being done internally to keep the learning alive. 

Today I met with the senior partner of an accounting firm where I had recently run this workshop.  Participants were the directors and senior management team. The training had been a great success and we discussed ways of constantly re-enforcing the new competencies of participants so as to sustain the learning and help it to become part of the culture of the firm.  

In this case we decided to remind participants in their newsletter.  Another way would be to take one question a week, get everyone in the firm emphasising that point and have a report back at the end of each week.  This would create consciousness of various aspects of communication and provide a simple, sustainable programme.  The questions we developed (as reminders) would be relevant to any management team.  We also kept theses random questions broader than just the topics covered in the workshop. 

  1. When delegating, what have you done to match the requirements of the assignment with the needs, wants and aspirations of the person to whom you are delegating?  (We appreciate that there is not always the luxury of being able to invite the right person for the job!).
  2. What else have you done to increase the chances of success when delegating?  How else could you empower others?  We want people to be winners and not losers. Success builds success!
  3. Where relevant, how have you gone about making sure your delegation is perceived as an ‘invitation’ and not a command?
  4. In all communication, what are you doing right now to close the gap between the sender’s intention and the recipient’s perception of your message?
  5. When some-one agrees to do what you have asked them to do, what steps are you taking to make sure that they have accepted the assignment in the way in which you intended?
  6. How careful are you being in clarifying time-frames?  ‘Please bring me the information soon’ might be intended as ‘in the next two days’ whereas the other person may consider ‘soon’ to be ‘in the next month’. Another area of confusion may arise when we say we’ll do it ‘just now’. To South Africans it means that we’ll do it when we have completed what we are currently engaged in.  Americans would be annoyed that we are not following through on our ‘promise’.  To them ‘just now’ is interpreted as ‘immediately’.
  7. What are you doing to make sure you are sending messages in the way that recipients are most likely to be receptive?  For example, some people check their SMS’s on an ongoing basis.  Some will respond immediately to e-mails.  I had an excellent example today.  We were going through Linked-In considering additional people I should possibly ‘invite’ to connect with me. Considering a certain person, I made a comment, ‘Oh, he doesn’t ever respond to e-mails’, implying that it might be a waste of time inviting him to ‘link’.  But because he is an interesting ‘connection’ we sent an invitation.  Candice who does a great job assisting me drew my attention to the fact that he had accepted within minutes!  So, he is far more receptive to Linked-In than to e-mails!  Aha!  Now I know how to communicate effectively with him in the future.
  8. In which ways are you checking to ensure that you have mentioned resources that can possibly be used?  Does the person know what they can use your staff to assist them? Can they use the company vehicle?  Does the task need to be done during work hours?  If not, will they be compensated for ‘over-time’?  What else are you assuming that they understand?
  9. What tacit knowledge should you be sharing?  By building relationships and dealing with people over time, we build up knowledge that is not articulated, not written down.  So, if some-one else takes over a job from us, what information would help them?  For example, we may have built up a strong relationship with a client and know that when working on his premises, he prefers the team not to arrive before 9am. A new team would benefit from being told this.  What unwritten information should you be sharing?
  10. When walking up to a group, be careful that you are ‘inclusive’ in your conversation.  You can’t always include everyone.  But make sure that you are not excluding anyone.  I went to a Women’s Day breakfast function and was standing chatting to a friend.  A person whom I know but had not yet seen that day walked up and joined us.  However, she greeted and chatted to the person next to me, the person whom I’d been engaged in conversation with.  This conversation continued for a few minutes with her ignoring me the whole time. Besides my considering her behaviour to be extremely rude, an opportunity for building relationships was lost.   She could so easily have greeted me as well and even if talking to the other person, looked at me and made me feel included. 

These are some examples of areas where communication can be improved.  What other areas should your staff be working on to ensure that internal and external communication is of the highest possible standard? 

For more information on this or any other training programmes which we present, please contact Brenda Eckstein on +27 82 4993311 or brenda@146.66.90.172 

120: Personal Networking Tips

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Personal networking is great fun!  - particularly when our motivating thought is ‘what can I do for you’?  We are all tired of those people whose aim is to ‘make friends’ so that they can sell us their products or services.  We want genuine positive relationships coming from the person’s ‘heart’.  

Networking occurs wherever people gather.  Sometimes we distinguish between a ‘formal’ group, where we have chosen to ‘join’ so that we ‘belong’ and ‘informal’ groups which develop and have a life of their own.  Often those ‘formal’ groups give rise to ‘informal’ clusters.  For example, many of us joined the Pietermaritzburg Chamber of Business specifically to learn and to grow our businesses.  However, it is fascinating how over time, although our common interest remains significant, friendship and support are factors which help bind the members together. 

Within the formal Chamber structure are sub-structures like the new ‘Marketing Mix’ where I was privileged to be the speaker last night.  It was a relatively small group so I adapted and changed my ‘keynote’ into a more interactive workshop.  In the picture below we are role-playing how to gain the greatest networking value out of ‘cocktail’ functions.  (The signs and fancy glasses added to our fun.)

Lungile

L-R: Lungile Nkabinde, Brenda Eckstein, Alianh Tsoinyane, and Bridget Jones.

I find it sad that so many people avoid social functions simply because they are uncomfortable attending alone.  They miss recognising and optimising opportunities.  How do I go and talk to people?  What will I talk about?  How do I conduct myself? How do I escape if I’m not enjoying myself?  These are social skills that can be learned.  And we cover these in our networking workshops.  But people need to keep practising.   

I also find it important to make participants conscious of the kinds of conversations we have.  In coaching we talk about the sequence of ‘conversation for relationship’, ‘conversation for possibility’ and then ‘conversation for action’.  And in building relationships ‘out there’ in the real world, we also need to establish the relationship as strongly as possible before exploring possibilities and then taking appropriate action. 

Ten tips on personal networking 

  1. Social media connections and other electronic means of communicating are great – but there is no substitute for meeting people ‘face to face’.  One organisation that I was working with recently introduced a new mantra:  ‘Pick up the phone!’  People were sitting at their desks sending e-mails to the person next to them instead of holding conversations.  The leadership realised that personal relationships were dwindling.
  2. Approach networking with an attitude of ‘what can I do for you’? 
  3. Don’t ever give out your business card without first asking permission.  ‘May I give you one of my business cards’?  And the same applies to your advertising material.  At social gatherings or networking events, keep it to yourself and use only at the appropriate time. 
  4. Practise the ’30 second introduction’ which helps to lead to quality conversation.  Please have a look at the previous article, ‘Greetings’.
  5. Practise ‘Quality Conversation’.  The template can be found in our article ‘Building Relationships Through Quality Conversation’. You can practise this every day of your life (unless you are alone on a desert island, in solitary confinement, incapacitated in some other way or voluntarily participating in a ‘silence retreat’.)  I practise with my grandchildren and two of them have become far better than I am. Whenever we are in the car, one will say to me, ‘Granny Brenda, can we please play conversations’?
  6. Regard networking as a process.  What you do before the event, at the event and afterwards are all important in building relationships and sustaining them.  Networking is not a transaction.  Just meeting a person is not ‘networking’ – although it is an important part of the process. 
  7. In order to get the most out of a social event where you will possibly network, it is a good idea to ask for a list of participants in advance.  It is not always possible, but in the case of conferences, for example, it is a tool which is often available.  I go through the attendance list and decide who I really want to meet or ‘connect’ with again. 
  8. Then I find out as much about each participant as possible.  For example, at a recent event, by looking at their website, I found a photo of the person I was hoping to meet.  At the crowded functions, I at least had an idea of what he looked like, was able to identify him and go and speak to him.  Having looked at their corporate website, and knowing some background made conversation easier.
  9. When you meet a person, consciously use as many of your senses as possible to create a more vivid impression of that person.  What do they look like?  Could you describe them to some-one else easily afterwards (even the Police!)?  And if you exchange business cards, look at their card carefully.  Show interest.  And look at the spelling of the name and all the other details.  How tall are they?  Concentrate on the sound of their voice.  Would you recognise them if they phoned?  What perfume or aftershave are you aware of?  When you shook hands, what did their handshake feel like?  These are just some of the questions you could ask.
  10. After the event, contact the person again within 24 hours.  You are helping to cement the memory of meeting you.  That message or phonecall can be as simple as:
  • ‘I enjoyed meeting you at xy function. 
  • Include at least one fact unique to them – so that they feel as though this isn’t just a generic message that you are sending to everyone.  ‘It is interesting that you and Mpumi will be working as associates in the future and I look forward to hearing  more about the latest development.
  • Let’s stay in contact.’  

The definition which I developed over time and use in ‘Networking Tactics’ and ‘ABCs of Effective Networking’ is as follows:

‘Personal Networking’ is an active ongoing process which involves making contacts at a time when we probably don’t need them, organising and updating the relevant information, sustaining contact so that we build positive relationships and when the need arises, if appropriate, drawing on those relationships for mutual advantage.’    

I need to change this definition to incorporate an attitude of ‘what can I do for you’?  What are your suggestions? 

For more information on workshops covering building positive relationships and other aspects of networking, or for details of ‘keynotes’ on these topics, please contact Brenda Eckstein on +27 82 4993311 or brenda@146.66.90.172

Networking Savvy: The faces behind the websites

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This week’s topic ‘Networking Savvy’ forms the ‘launching pad’ of our brand new ‘EYES’ (Enhance Your Executive Skills) course that begins this Thursday, October 11.  This six-week course combines training and coaching.  I’m delighted to be developing this programme immediately after another exciting trip to Australia where I was again able to attend high-value meetings.  One of these was an ICF  (International Coach Federation) meeting in Sydney.  The presenter, Dr Hilary Armstrong of ‘The Institute of Executive Coaching and Leadership’ discussed ‘Executive Coaching in an Increasingly Politicised Workplace’.    She said that leaders, in order to develop ‘political savvy’ need to hone their ‘networking’ and ‘collaboration’ skills!  (Isn’t this ‘music to the ears’!)  These are people skills involving communication and this combination presents interesting challenges to us as coaches. 

Let me give you some background:  Seven years ago when I wrote my first book on personal networking,  ‘Networking Tactics:  a guide to achieving success through personal networking’ and even when the second book, ‘ABCs of effective networking:  fifty-two ways to achieve success’ was published, social media was not a part of our daily lives.  They continue to gain importance.  However, the more we use electronic media for our communications, the more we need to be reminded of the importance of building positive personal relationships. This impacts on our ability to network and collaborate.  And quality conversation is a key factor.

In Sydney I have a wonderful network of family, friends and business associates.  And many of these have websites.  There is power in linking ‘the face behind the website’ with ‘the face of the business’.  By combining technology and our people skills we can generate even more interest and increase understanding.  This also links to ‘corporate branding’ and ‘personal branding.’

As an example I have chosen 7 of the people I enjoy meeting with.  I have given a few lines on each and then given you a link to their websites.  So, have a look at the photos, read what I have said about each and then go to their websites. (So, indirectly, you’ll be networking with them, too!)  You’ll be fascinated by these interesting people and the work they do.  And of course, you are welcome to contact them!  You won’t be disappointed!  That is networking at its best!

 

Gary Eckstein is an excellent example of a person who combines technical expertise and people skills.  His research for his MBA at a top university involved ‘e-marketing’.  As a business consultant, working with a range of clients he helps develop and optimise websites.  (Have a look at my website!) I believe that part of Gary’s success lies in his excellent ability to hold quality conversations. I really enjoy meeting him for coffee – we can talk for hours.   He meets local clients ‘face-to-face’ and being so approachable is part of the success of his business.   

 

 

Rodney Marks is a colourful character who humorously presents relevant and meaningful messages which leave an indelible impression.  A Harvard graduate, he is able to provide a  philosophical, yet seriously funny, approach to any topic.  I have heard him speak on numerous occasions and been enthralled each time.   In addition, he works in conjunction with his two sons.   Benjamin is a comedy-writer and Joshua is a film-maker. A former Past President of the NSW Chapter of NSAA, and also of the national body, he has been awarded various honours for the work he performs. And these have been richly deserved.   One-on-one, Rodney is also an excellent conversationalist.   

 

Kim McGuiness inspires and motivates.  Her monthly ‘Network Central’ breakfasts in the upmarket ‘Tea Room’ in the Queen Victoria Building in Sydney are a resounding success.  Corporate women and business owners throng to be part of these high-powered events.  As the organiser and MC Kim sets the scene in a professional, yet warm and friendly way.  Her speakers shine – because she helps them to do their best!  In addition to the breakfasts in Sydney and Melbourne, there are mentoring programmes that really work, and may other initiatives that she is involved in.   I always enjoy having coffee with Kim, too.  

Dr Jane Goodall with Andrew O’Keeffe
www.hardwiredhumans.com

Andrew O’Keeffe remains a warm and friendly guy who always seems pleased to meet for coffee despite his outstanding success and busy schedule.  It has been exciting watching Andrew climb from (almost) obscurity to his current position as sought-after author and speaker.  His messages are powerful about the implication of our social nature to leadership.  And his link to Dr Jane Goodall and her institute adds even more depth and interest to his work.  He describes ‘Hardwired Humans’ as ‘designing people strategies based on human instincts’.  Well done, Andrew! 

 

Danny Beran certainly is a ‘doctor with a difference’! His entrepreneurial approach and provocative spirit certainly dispel complacency.  Conversations are of a high quality and leave me with lots to think about!

I first met Danny when he was in the process of completing his book:  ‘Ten questions you must answer before you die’. As a coach my work involves conversations and asking the right questions so this was of great interest to me.   His written message made a huge impact and so do our conversations.  His kindness, warmth and caring reflect the essence of his book.  It is a privilege to spend time with Danny.    

 

Jan Sky is a charming, dignified and competent person who inspires confidence.  There is great synergy between the work we do as Jan is also a trainer, coach, author and speaker.  When we met recently for coffee, I was fascinated to hear that she has recently presented in Finland and The Netherlands.  Her book, ‘The Many Parts of You’ (published in English and Finnish) has now been extended to a set of cards.  These are a useful tool used to identify both inhibitive and supportive factors to positive behaviour change, helping teams and individuals to achieve their goals.   

 

Russell Johnson
www.epr.com.au

 

Russell Johnson was referred to me by Thevan Krishna, some-one whose friendship I value highly.  So I met Russell for the first time last week at his office with a stunningly beautiful view in Sydney. Our fascinating conversation lasted over an hour.  I’m intrigued by the way he combines a number of my key focus areas in helping high ranking executives to manage their careers.  His programmes include coaching (to recognise and develop their own potential), personal strategy, leadership and communication skills development and of course, networking.   I’m looking forward to our next conversation!  In the meantime, please visit his website and study the amazing information there.  

Quality conversation is important to me and I’m privileged to have positive relationships with such fascinating individuals.  Visit their websites – you won’t be disappointed!

 

Assertiveness Formula

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In a previous blog, ‘Ten tips on Assertiveness’ I gave the background to the importance of being assertive rather than aggressive.  The last point involved the assertiveness formula and I’m expanding on that concept here.

By learning this simple technique and practising it regularly, it can become your ‘default’ enabling you to hold conversations you may be avoiding.  Thus you can improve your performance in your business, community and private lives.  And this will help you to feel more effective and happier.

How often have you avoided a person because their behaviour annoys you?  And how often do you talk with a person but avoid certain topics of conversation because these topics are emotionally charged (either for you or for the person you are speaking with)?  And how often have said what you want to say… and had disastrous results?

When I am coaching executives, facilitating ‘leadership development’ or running ‘communication skills’ training workshops, I often identify the need for individuals to become more assertive. I show them the formula, they practice each day, (developing their ‘talk’ for different situations), and then apply where appropriate.  The results have been outstanding.  And it is so simple: 

  • When you……..(mention the other person’s behaviour) 
  • I feel…… (take responsibility for your emotions) 
  • because ……. 
  • I would prefer you to……………… 

Here is an example:

I was highly irritated that my housekeeper seemed to use the noisy vacuum-cleaner whenever I was on the phone.  So, I called her and politely said:

‘Sybil, when you use the vacuum cleaner in the passage and I’m on the phone,

I feel very embarrassed

because I can’t hear what the other person is saying.

I would prefer you to check whether I’m on the phone before switching the vacuum cleaner on. 

Sybil was very apologetic as she hadn’t realised the noise bothered me.  And now, before switching the vacuum-cleaner on, she always checks to see whether I’m on the phone. 

Let’s go through each element of the formula and explore in more detail:

  • When you……………This first statement enables you to identify the other person’s behaviour that triggers your response.  That in itself is therapeutic.
  • I feel…………………...You are recognising and taking responsibility for your own emotions.  I find that participants in my workshops often automatically turn this statement around to ‘You make me feel…..’.  So, it takes practice to stop blaming the other person.  You need to take full responsibility for what you are feeling.  (Nobody can challenge what you are feeling!) 
  • Because…….. Having to state the reason for your feelings helps you to identify the cause.
  • I would prefer you to……..This focuses on the solution.  Think about it!  How do you want that person to modify their behaviour?  The word ‘prefer’ takes your statement from a command to a statement of a preference. 

By concentrating on the core of your message, you are ripping away the emotion.  Standing and practising this enables you to develop a ‘posture of confidence’ which will help when you get into a ‘real’ situation’.

Use this formula regularly and you will get better results.

Greetings

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Here is one of my templates that has enabled people to improve their conversation skills in a way that helped to build positive relationships.   

When I train workshop participants in conversation skills, I stress the following:

A simple ‘hello’ may end a ‘journey of discovery’.  There is often so much more you could say when you greet others. By feeding them relevant information you are providing the gift of information that they can ‘hook onto’ in order to build a conversation.   

  • By saying your name clearly you are helping others to remember you.    
  • The ‘from’ could inform others about your business or geographic locality.    
  • Please note the difference between, ‘I’m here today because…’ and ‘I’m pleased to be here because….’  The former could engender negative connotations - ‘I’m here because my boss insisted’ or ‘I’m come to be coached because my supervisor said I needed it’.  The latter encourages positive input – ‘I’m pleased to be here because I want to shift, change the way I operate’.  Depending on the circumstances, the word ‘pleased’ could change the essence of your message.’

The above format allows the listener to build a quick starting point for exploring the relationship further. 

I invite you to ask yourself how you could improve your ability to give brief, snappy introductions.  A simple practice that some of my trainees and coachees engage in as follows:

Each morning, using the above template, think of one situation in which you could use this greeting template.  Craft the most appropriate wording for that specific encounter.  Stand in front of a mirror.  Check your posture.  Are you projecting an image of confidence?  Breathe properly.  Practice the greeting, projecting your voice.  How does that sound?  Practice again.

Do this each morning for two weeks, working on a different scenario every day.  Choose the appropriate words you’d use in that specific situation.   Even try some ‘way out’ examples.   One that I enjoy is imagining that you are the new rugby coach.  (This is for you, girls!).  Using the template above, introduce yourself to your team.  For the guys, imagine that you are Miss South Africa.  You are walking into a room and need to introduce yourself to sponsors (who do not know you).  What words would you use?

Have fun practising a wide range of different situations.  It will help you to improve your ability to build relationships in ‘everyday’ situations.

For more information on training in communication skills, or on ‘integral coaching’ please contact me - Phone:  +27 33 3425432, Mobile:  + 27 82 4993311, brenda@146.66.90.172.

‘Family conversation starters’

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We all prefer to deal with people we know and trust.  Conversation is an important skill in building relationships.  It is easy to practice even at home.  We don’t always have to practice in a formal environment.  Use these when chatting to your family.

  • One of my favourite family memories is………….
  • One of the best gifts I’ve received………
  • At school I………
  • The member of our family most likely to sky dive………
  • My earliest memory………
  • I can’t wait to……..
  • This year I would like to………
  • I can’t live without……….
  • My dream job would involve………
  • When I grow up………
  • My favourite thing in life………
  • Three words to describe my family……….
  • I get nervous when……..
  • I look up to ……..
  • I wish I could……..
  • My favourite game/sport…….
  • My family is……..
  • The naughtiest thing I’ve ever done……..
  • At school I love (d) ……………. and hate (d)………..
  • My favourite family dinner…………..
  • The best advice I’ve received………..
  • I am really proud of……..
  • The perfect Sunday involves…………
  • Pocket money is for………
  • If I could invite anyone for dinner…….
  • My favourite toy is/was ……….
  • As a child I……….
  • Parents get on my nerves when……..
  • When I grow up……..
  • The first thing I do in the morning………
  • If I were granted three wishes…….
  • Mum/Dad always told me………
  • I wish I hadn’t……..
  • No one knows this but…….
  • My childhood best friend…….
  • I’m afraid of……..
  • During summer I love……..
  • If I had a million dollars……
  • Our best family tradition……..
  • Mum/Dad are good at……..
  • My favourite family holiday……..
  • I get angry when……..
  • Family member with the most annoying habit is……….
  • I could live without………
  • My craziest relative…………
  • Do you remember when………
  • My family is best at………
  • Last time I laughed……..
  • Mum/Dad were angry when I………
  • I would love my family to……… 

Punctuate Your Life With Purpose

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I’m always excited when I hear or participate in ‘quality conversation’.  Afterwards I share examples with those in my ‘communication skills’ workshops.  Yesterday as we sat having breakfast in a local coffee bar, I was fascinated at the topics I could overhear being discussed by strangers at the table next to ours.

They were talking about the English language and how punctuation can change the meaning of a message.  This was of particular interest to me because in my ‘How to get your point across’ workshops, punctuation is an important aspect of the written examples participants work on.  The big question is: how do we minimise the gap between the sender’s intention (in sending a message) and the recipient’s perception of the same message?  (I have devoted previous blogs to this topic so won’t expand on it further.) 

During their conversation, the strangers gave some outstanding examples of how punctuation can alter the meaning of a message.  Two that they quoted were (and I have purposely changed names):

  •  Sam says George is mad.
  •   Sam, says George, is mad.

And then the question was posed:

‘What is the difference between a panda and a cowboy?’

  •  The former eats shoots and leaves.
  •  The latter eats, shoots and leaves.

In written communication, one comma can significantly change the meaning of our message. 

Let’s look at another area in which punctuation is important.   A question we need to ask ourselves is: ‘how is punctuation impacting on the meaning of our lives’? 

Life can be thought of as a continuum. Our lives are artificially punctuated in a variety of ways.  Each birthday marks a change, an event that often puts us in a different category.  That change in age enables us to do certain things and excludes us from other opportunities.  It may qualify us for a certain race or prevent us from entering a ‘Miss World Contest’. 

Think of your next birthday:  what will you no longer qualify for?  For example, in my uncle’s case, as a colonel in the army, he enjoyed  his work but the army computers were set to recognise people whose ages were up to only 75, so there was no way he could be paid his salary after that age!  So, he very reluctantly resigned.

And then what new opportunities will your next birthday present?  You may now be able to apply for a driver’s licence.  For many of us, it could qualify us for extra tax concessions on medical expenses!

Just as a ‘full stop’ ends a sentence, and if there is a new sentence, it starts after that ‘full stop’, so a birthday marks the end of an age and the beginning of a new era.  Similarly, each New Year follows another ‘full stop’ and generates a whole new range of possibilities.  For example, if we have used up our Medical Aid for the calendar year, on January 1 we may have our full quota again! 

For those of us with different religious or cultural affinities we may also recognise New Year at different times and our celebrations my take different forms.  An illustration is that February 3 2011 will be the Chinese New Year which marks the beginning of the Year of the Rabbit and the end of the Year of the Tiger.

Any ‘New Year’ may be a good time to make a fresh start, to strategise our future.  But if we do this only once a year aren’t we missing out on other opportunities?  Shouldn’t we be setting aside regular sessions to exercise an ‘attitude of positive discontent’?   I think of the wonderful story told in ‘Management Mess-ups:  57 pitfalls you can avoid (and stories of those who didn’t)’.  The author, Mark Eppler was walking along a pier and saw fishermen with their boats ‘upside down’ on the beach.  He was concerned as he realised that by not being out fishing that the fishermen were not generating income.  They explained that they regularly ‘punctuate’ their lives by not going fishing and rather spend the day ‘scraping their boats’.  He still didn’t understand.  They explained that barnacles (small crustaceans) attach themselves to the boats below the water level and multiply at an alarming rate.  This makes the boats heavier, slower and less manoeuvrable.  In addition, the boats can consume up to 40% more fuel in order for the fishermen to reach the waters where they fish.

Doesn’t that sound just like our lives?  Things creep up on us.  ‘The deception of the gradual’ is one way of referring to the process.  We don’t realise we are being weighed down, burdened by excesses.   It becomes harder to achieve our goals and takes us more time because we are less flexible.  And the cost of achievement is greater in terms of energy used.  So we become less effective.

By creating punctuations in the flow of our lives, we can pause, observe, reflect and then take appropriate action.  Regarding our resources, our service and the way we operate, we should assume that nothing is good enough and ask ourselves how we can improve.  Of course, after careful consideration, we may decide that something is the best it can be for us at this time, so we’ll leave it as it is.  However, even if it is good enough (now), we need to create an opportunity in the future to re-examine and reassess whether it is still the best it can be.  This helps us to avoid becoming complacent or forming bad habits.

So, my message to you is:  punctuate your lives periodically in a purposeful way.  Have a break from routine and carefully appraise every aspect of your life.  Are things the best they can be?  If not, how could you improve?   And then take appropriate action.  Implement strategies for success.

Just as the punctuation in written words can alter the meaning of sentences, so the meaning of our lives can be altered considerably by strategic pauses and relevant positive action.

Quality conversation is not confined to coffee shops – although a good cappuccino can help!

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Phone:+27 (0)33 342 5432
Fax:+27 (0)86 5188 205
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E-mail:brenda@strategy-leadership.com

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