Brenda Eckstein International

Strategy, Leadership, Integral Coaching and Communication consulting

  • Welcome
  • About Us
    • Brenda
    • Clients
  • Services
    • Strategy
    • Leadership Development
    • Training
    • Executive Coach
    • Speaker
    • Author
    • Conference Services
  • EYES Publishing
  • Blog
  • Videos
  • Contact Us
  • Welcome
  • About Us
    • Brenda
    • Clients
  • Services
    • Strategy
    • Leadership Development
    • Training
    • Executive Coach
    • Speaker
    • Author
    • Conference Services
  • EYES Publishing
  • Blog
  • Videos
  • Contact Us

Shift your ‘should’ into ‘could’

August 14, 2014 by Brenda Leave a Comment

August is ‘Women’s Month’, a time when we acknowledge the contribution of women in our organisational, business, professional and private lives.  It is a time when many events may take on the veneer of service or appreciation.  Yet, the ethos in which these events are held can also be undertaken in the spirit of sincere appreciation. 

The annual PCB (Pietermaritzburg Chamber of Business)  lunch in celebration of women is an event attended annually by over 300 women.  Speakers this year included the inspirational Gaynor Young, actress who fell the equivalent of 5 stories and suffered severe brain damage. Her story of perseverance and recovery is miraculous.   Bernice Samuels, FNB Chief Marketing Officer, the main sponsor shared a message of women like Cheryl Sandberg who have achieved success through being both ‘human beings’ and ‘human doings’. 

Melanie Veness (CEO of PCB), Bernice Samuels (FNB chief marketing officer), Dr May Mkhize (former KZN First Lady) and Gaynor Young (guest speaker).

Melanie Veness (CEO of PCB), Bernice Samuels (FNB chief marketing officer), Dr May Mkhize (former KZN First Lady) and Gaynor Young (guest speaker).

As an Executive Coach, I work with men and women whose perceived demands of the workplace are in conflict with their personal lives.  ‘Getting it right’ overshadow their ability to find work/life balance.  So, often they spend more and more time working and these impacts even further on their relationships in all spheres of their lives.  Both men and women often have a heavy sense of guilt and as an Executive Coach, my job is to help them make fundamental shifts that will help them to ‘be’ rather than ‘do’.  Using integral methodologies we have outstanding results in helping people to make these shifts. And this includes becoming more aware of the commitments originating from our authentic selves versus desires originating through others’ expectations. 

So, this ‘letter’ read by Melanie Veness, CEO at the PCB Women’s Day lunch really ‘struck a chord’ with me. (Thanks for sharing, Mel.)  I found the message relevant for all working men and women – not only those with young children.  Great ‘take home value’ for me personally was to be curious about all the ‘shoulds’ in my life.  What would happen if I changed many of them to ‘could’?  Most of us need to be kinder to ourselves! 

An intrepid Australian and the imperfect mom of four imperfect children, Margie Warrell. 

Letter To Working Mothers: Stop Feeling So Guilty 

Dear Working Mother,

You are doing a great job. And your kids will turn out just fine despite the hours you spend away from them.  Truly.  

Of course you probably don’t always feel that way yourself. If you are like most working moms I know, you may feel like you’re forever coming up short when it comes to doing enough, giving enough and being enough for your kids. Not to mention your boss, your partner, your aging parents and extended family, and yes, of course, your community. (I haven’t even mentioned doing, being, and giving enough for yourself)

I was warned about mothers’ guilt while expecting my first child.  However, having grown up with a hearty dose of ‘Catholic guilt,’ I figured it couldn’t be that bad.  And then I became a mother, and over the course of five years I had four healthy children (yes, very blessed, slightly crazy) in between stop-starting graduate studies toward a new career.  Needless to say, it was during that time I became much more acquainted with mothers’ guilt. It became a constant companion until one day I realized that I didn’t have children in order to spend my life feeling forever inadequate.   I wanted children to enrich my life, not enslave my conscience.

It’s time to reclaim our right to enjoy our kids, lest child rearing become a long exercise in never measuring up.  But how do working mothers stop wrestling with constant guilt?  First, we must uncover the destructive forces that are driving it.

Below are five key ways to embrace your short-falls as a mother (we all have them), and refocus your preciously finite energy on what truly matters: ensuring that your kids know they’re wanted, loved, and loveable, no matter what – and that they benefit from having you as a role model on how to live a rewarding life.   

#1:  Accept trade-offs as inevitable

When you choose to combine motherhood and career in any way, shape or form, there will always be trade-offs, sacrifices and compromises. What is crucial to your happiness – as well as your ability to stave off guilt – is reconciling those trade-offs by being crystal clear about why you are making them in the first place.

Create a list of the reasons you work – money, satisfaction, sanity – to provide a helpful reminder of your personal convictions when your work keeps you from attending a concert or compels you to outsource the organization of your child’s birthday party. While I’m often not able to be as involved with my kids’ activities as might seem ideal, I am very clear that my kids, my family and myself are ultimately all better off because I have a rewarding career outside the home. 

#2:  Don’t “should” on yourself

Mothers’ guilt was not always a mother’s lot.  Mothers in Victorian England banished children to nursemaids before farming them off to boarding school at age five so they could continue to their high-tea social lives. Acclaimed photographer Dorothea Lange paid foster families to look after her children so she could venture off on months-long photography expeditions.  Likewise, I cannot recall my own parents ever coming to a softball game or reading me bedtime stories. Truth be told, I never gave it a second thought – until I found myself feeling guilt-ridden when unable to attend one of my children’s games or too tired to read a bedtime story. Why? Because I had unwittingly taken on board a mother-load of ‘good-parent’ shoulds that my own mother never did.

Our shoulds are a melting pot of social expectations, family pressures, and often unspoken ‘rules’ we often buy into without even realizing it.  Our shoulds are shaped by our environment, which has seen them skyrocket in recent decades with the rise of so-called “parenting police” – experts that bombard us with advice on what a “good” parent should, and should not, do.

I enjoy being involved in my children’s activities and in their lives. But I also know that they don’t need me cheering at every game, creating scrapbooks for every milestone, or welcoming them home from school with fresh baked muffins in order to feel loved and to grow into secure and well-rounded adults. While they are central in my life, my world does not revolve around them. Nor, do I believe, would it serve them any better if it did. So when I find myself using the word should, I replace it with could – and add an alternative option.  Doing so takes the judgment out, and allows me give myself permission to do what actually works best for me and my family – minus the should-inflicted guilt. 

#3:  Lower your bar to ‘good enough’

The bar on what it means to be a ‘great parent’ has been gradually moving up, and now it’s so ridiculously high that we’ve set ourselves up to forever fall short in scaling it. Accepting that for the most part, good enough is good enough, takes enormous pressure off of us to be the idealized photo-shopped image of the ‘perfect’ parent – the mom that the magazines imply that we ‘should’ be (there’s that word again!)  Giving up some elusive quest to be a super-mother who does everything ‘just right’ is the only way we can ever have a chance to enjoy the journey of child rearing, without being anxious, guilt-ridden and exhausted. After all, it’s who we are for our children – happy, good-humored, and a role model for the values we believe in – that ultimately impacts them more than how closely we, our homes, or our meals resemble the front cover of women’s magazines. The reality is that you do not have to be a perfect parent to be a great parent. 

#4:  Refuse to buy into guilt mongers

While some women thrive on critiquing other women’s parenting proficiency, the best mothers I’ve met have no need to throw stones at how others parent their children. They’re simply more interested in doing the best they can for their own. So while you can’t always avoid the righteous parenting police, you can choose to see their self-inflating opinions – on everything from disposable diapers to disciplinary tactics – for what they are: an easy way to justify their own choices and conceal doubt about their own parenting skills.

The fact is, there is no one ‘right way’ when it comes to raising children. Just as we all differ in our personalities, preferences and circumstances, the choices that make us feel whole, healthy and happy differ as well. To those who love to critique and judge, and to all those who’ve felt the sting of a judgmental remarks or scornful glance, I say “to each their own.” The vast majority of working mothers I encounter work incredibly hard to be the best parent they can, and that deserves encouragement, not criticism. 

Likewise, be careful you don’t allow your very clever children to blackmail you with guilt.  They know they have an amazing ability to pull on your heart strings, which is why they can be masters of guilt manipulation if you let them.  Refuse to play the game! Tell them you love them and that you are doing your best to support them (which often includes not doing for them what they can do for themselves), but that you have other commitments, interests and responsibilities besides them.  And when you drop the odd ball (as you will), tell them you’re just giving them an opportunity to grow more resourceful and resilient.  Because, after all, you are. 

#5:  Don’t dilute your presence with distraction

We can be with our kids 24/7 and yet never be fully present to them.  While ‘turning off’ from work and other distractions is easier said than done, it’s important to be intentional about being fully present to your children whenever you are with them by minimizing the multi-tasking as much as humanly possible. I often take my kids out for hot chocolate at a local café as a ‘special treat’ – for me as well as them – which removes me from the magnetic pull of my home office.  Some may believe this is going to great (or perhaps even unnecessary) lengths just to avoid distraction, but as I’ve mentioned, it’s not about what other people think, it’s about what works for me – and by default, my family.

What other mothers are doing is none of your business. Doing what works for you, for your children and your family to stay happy, good humored and connected is ultimately all that matters.  Which is why it’s time to lower the bar to a scalable height, get off your own back, and reclaim your right to enjoy raising your kids. Doing so won’t hurt your children – will free up precious energy to navigate the journey of nurturing your babies into resourceful, well-rounded, and gloriously imperfect adults! 

So, whether you have children or not, and regardless of their age – and whether you are female or male, Margie Warrell’s five points form a vivid metaphor for our lives, too.  We can continue aiming at the highest, remaining successful in our chosen business lives, but by being kinder to ourselves and getting professional help in shifting to a new narrative, we can become ‘beings’ leading lives that are far more fulfilling. 

For more information on Executive Coaching or Keynote speaking please contact brenda@146.66.90.172 or visit www.strategy-leadership.com or our services page.

149: Recognising patterns

January 23, 2014 by Brenda Leave a Comment

Life is full or patterns and learning to recognise them enables us to develop appropriate behaviours.  We need to notice differences and similarities. For example, what do fennel, ‘Pandanus Utilits’ and zebra have in common?  You are right, they are all found on this planet.  And they most probably all occur naturally on different continents.  But perhaps it is only in Africa that all three are found naturally?  

So, let’s explore further.  Another correct answer would be that they are all ‘living things’.  So we are getting closer.  What else is similar about them?  Use all your senses.  No, it isn’t the smell.  And I don’t think any of us would want to taste a Zebra.  Plants don’t seem to make audible sounds.  So what about the visual aspects?  Let’s look at the photos:

Fennel growing in my garden in Pietermaritzburg.

Fennel growing in my garden in Pietermaritzburg.

 

‘Pandanus Utilits’, native of Madagascar, growing in my garden.

‘Pandanus Utilits’, native of Madagascar, growing in my garden.

 

Zebra painted by Brian Harmer.

Zebra painted by Brian Harmer.

Look carefully.  To me, the one thing that is repeated is the pattern itself.  The stems of fennel and Pandanus Utilis create zig-zag patterns and these are similar to the visual patterns found on the coats of zebra. 

This might appear to be an arbitrary exercise with little meaning.  But I hope it has shown how looking for similarities and differences and what is repeated is an important part of recognising patterns in all aspects of our lives.  By observing we are learning to see similarities and repetition in usual ways.  

In integral coaching, through cognitive self-observation of behaviour, emotions, and thoughts we become aware of what we are really doing, and how we are responding.  That involves cognitive self-observations.  Once we uncover our ‘blind spots’, we can develop relevant practices to develop new neural pathways.  This will give us mastery in that we can recognise triggers when we are heading towards undesirable ways of reacting and use our developing competencies to self-correct and respond in a more beneficial way. 

So, my recommendation is that you find yourself a well-qualified integral coach and commit yourself to a programme which will help to shift your ‘way of being’.  Life will be so much more fun!  You’ll be more productive and your life will be more ‘in balance’. 

But in the meantime, notice the patterns around you.  And when you journal each day, be curious and record your insights.  By crystallising your thoughts you’ll see your own patterns and be able to respond in more appropriate ways. 

For more information on Executive Coaching please contact Brenda on brenda@146.66.90.172 or +27 82 4993311.

Why Zumba?

October 26, 2011 by Brenda Leave a Comment

People seem somewhat amused when they find out that I, in my 60’s, have begun ‘Zumba’ lessons.  At first, I thought that if I was going to do something crazy, I might as well make a total fool of myself – and I did!  I tried a ‘public’ class and I seemed to be ‘doing okay’.  I went careering to the left.  Bang!  Everyone else had turned and gone right.  So, now you know why I have private (very private) tuition.  I don’t think my insurance would cover me – or those whom I collided with – in a public place.

So, why am I embarking on this new exercise programme?  Well, first perhaps I should tell you what Zumba dancing is?  It is a popularised form of South American dancing and combines Samba, Mamba and other steps in sequences.  Because ‘slave dancing’ influences some routines, it is easy to notice the similarity to certain aspects of African dancing.  There is great variety and influences of dances like Charleston and ‘hip-hop’ also appear in some of the steps. You dance alone, usually with an instructor in front of you.  And I’m fortunate to have found an amazing teacher, Ruth Croeser who patiently encourages and adapts to suit learner’s changing needs while ‘stretching’ them to achieve more.

Brenda with instructor, Ruth immediately after one of their weekly sessions.

 
What are the benefits of Zumba dancing?

  1. Life is full of patterns.  Remembering sequences helps improve our memories. 
  2. Following others requires concentration and the ability to ‘go with the flow’ and do what others want us to do.  Of course, their intention and our ability to follow may not always be ‘in sync’, but that adds to the challenge.
  3. Doing something different takes us out of our comfort zones.  If we don’t take risks, we become complacent.  We get ‘stuck in a rut’ and that can prevent us from trying new ways of doing things.
  4. Leaning something new takes great concentration.  Sometimes we don’t realise how bad our concentration is.  This sure is a ‘wake up call’!  Towards the end of the hour, my ability to follow is noticeably poorer than at the beginning.  So, I’m trying hard to improve my concentration.
  5. Physically, it puts us more ‘in tune’ with our bodies.  For example, we have to notice the difference between ‘tapping’ and ‘stepping onto’ our foot. 
  6. At times we work left leg and left arm, whereas at other times we’ll be using left leg, right arm.  So we align on one side of our bodies, but we also use our limbs diagonally (left leg, right arm).  And this is really good for our brain functioning. 
  7. Balance plays an important part.  At times, our balance is in one direction.  And then it swiftly changes. But we need to remain ‘grounded’.  We all need to improve the balance in our lives, too.  I always aim for my FLAG balance. Does the activity include Fun, Leadership And (continuous improvement) Growth?
  8. This dance is high energy.  We work up a sweat.  So, even if you are doing other forms of exercise regularly (as I am), variety is good.
  9. Learning a very different dance like this requires that we use our visual senses. We have to watch the instructor to see what is happening.  Learning to identify the changes in movement at certain musical cues intensifies the use of our auditory senses. Incorporating music into what we are doing benefits many people.  We also need to ‘feel’ the mood of the music.  So, this exercise combines our visual, auditory and kinaesthetic senses.  Using these three simultaneously enhances our performance.
  10. There is also the combination of cognitive, emotional and physical aspects of this type of dancing.  As an ‘integral coach’, helping people with their ‘way of being’ I need to pick up physical cues from others.  And by concentrating on my Zumba teacher, I have to be very aware of what she is doing with her body.  And this helps me with my observations.
  11. Focussing on something very different like this takes us away from the normality of our lives.  It is a break, a time when we cannot think about anything else.  We focus only on following the instructor.
  12. It is good for us to be reminded of the transition from ‘unconscious incompetence’ to ‘unconscious competence’. (Not that I’ll never reach that stage with Zumba dancing!).  Let me give you an example.  You start off not realising that you can’t drive a car (unconscious incompetence).  You then notice (conscious) that you can’t drive, so you go for lessons.  At first you are incompetent.  As you learn, you become more competent.  Finally you drive without having to think about looking left, releasing the break etc.  You do this unconsciously.  So having started your journey towards being a driver at ‘unconsciously incompetence’, you have now reached a level of ‘unconscious competence’.

Let’s apply this to Zumba.  I didn’t know about Zumba dancing so didn’t realise I wasn’t competent (‘unconscious incompetence’).  I heard about it, started lessons and realised how incompetent I was (I had progressed to ‘conscious incompetence’).  I’m consciously trying to become more competent.  And that is great!  I don’t’ care that I most probably will never progress to ‘unconscious competence’. 

As long as I continuously improve on what I am achieving, that is great.  So, long live Zumba!  The benefits are great!

Latest articles

  • Countdown to 2022
  • Positive Relationships: 2021
  • How do I deal with imperfection?
  • Finding freedom
  • How to streamline your life

Recent Posts

  • Countdown to 2022
  • Positive Relationships: 2021
  • How do I deal with imperfection?
  • Finding freedom
  • How to streamline your life

Blog Categories

  • Business Consulting
  • Coaching
  • Communication Skills Training
  • Customer Service
  • Keynotes
  • Leadership Development
  • Personal Networking
  • Strategy

Search this website

Contact Brenda

Phone:+27 (0)33 342 5432
Fax:+27 (0)86 5188 205
Mobile:+27 (0)82 499 3311
E-mail:brenda@strategy-leadership.com

Login

Login here

Copyright © 2022 · Brenda Eckstein International, Phone: +27 (0)82 499 3311, Email: brenda@strategy-leadership.com · Website by OrganicWeb