Brenda Eckstein International

Strategy, Leadership, Integral Coaching and Communication consulting

Assertiveness Formula

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In a previous blog, ‘Ten tips on Assertiveness’ I gave the background to the importance of being assertive rather than aggressive.  The last point involved the assertiveness formula and I’m expanding on that concept here.

By learning this simple technique and practising it regularly, it can become your ‘default’ enabling you to hold conversations you may be avoiding.  Thus you can improve your performance in your business, community and private lives.  And this will help you to feel more effective and happier.

How often have you avoided a person because their behaviour annoys you?  And how often do you talk with a person but avoid certain topics of conversation because these topics are emotionally charged (either for you or for the person you are speaking with)?  And how often have said what you want to say… and had disastrous results?

When I am coaching executives, facilitating ‘leadership development’ or running ‘communication skills’ training workshops, I often identify the need for individuals to become more assertive. I show them the formula, they practice each day, (developing their ‘talk’ for different situations), and then apply where appropriate.  The results have been outstanding.  And it is so simple: 

  • When you……..(mention the other person’s behaviour) 
  • I feel…… (take responsibility for your emotions) 
  • because ……. 
  • I would prefer you to……………… 

Here is an example:

I was highly irritated that my housekeeper seemed to use the noisy vacuum-cleaner whenever I was on the phone.  So, I called her and politely said:

‘Sybil, when you use the vacuum cleaner in the passage and I’m on the phone,

I feel very embarrassed

because I can’t hear what the other person is saying.

I would prefer you to check whether I’m on the phone before switching the vacuum cleaner on. 

Sybil was very apologetic as she hadn’t realised the noise bothered me.  And now, before switching the vacuum-cleaner on, she always checks to see whether I’m on the phone. 

Let’s go through each element of the formula and explore in more detail:

  • When you……………This first statement enables you to identify the other person’s behaviour that triggers your response.  That in itself is therapeutic.
  • I feel…………………...You are recognising and taking responsibility for your own emotions.  I find that participants in my workshops often automatically turn this statement around to ‘You make me feel…..’.  So, it takes practice to stop blaming the other person.  You need to take full responsibility for what you are feeling.  (Nobody can challenge what you are feeling!) 
  • Because…….. Having to state the reason for your feelings helps you to identify the cause.
  • I would prefer you to……..This focuses on the solution.  Think about it!  How do you want that person to modify their behaviour?  The word ‘prefer’ takes your statement from a command to a statement of a preference. 

By concentrating on the core of your message, you are ripping away the emotion.  Standing and practising this enables you to develop a ‘posture of confidence’ which will help when you get into a ‘real’ situation’.

Use this formula regularly and you will get better results.

‘Lessons from the tree’

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These notes are from my Communication Skills Training on giving instructions, how to delegate effectively and how to be assertive.

When giving instructions, where possible:

  • Understand the task from as many perspectives as possible.  If you don’t, you are not going to be able to explain it effectively to the person whom you are instructing, particularly where the task is complex.  The ripple effect could be enormous.
  • At the beginning, convey the purpose of the exercise and tell the person what you are going to ask them to do. In other words, it helps to give them the full scope and sequential information.
  • Deliver the message in the most appropriate way for that task and that person.
  • Let the other person know what the time frames are e.g. ‘you have 5 minutes in which to complete this exercise’.
  • Minimise intervals between instructing the person and letting them start that aspect of the task.
  • Observe what the other person is doing, monitor progress and take action on deviations.
  • Be clear in what you are asking them to do.  Don’t assume.  For example, if you are giving a list of instructions, tell them whether they should just be writing down the instructions or actually drawing the picture.
  • Give the person an opportunity to ask questions and answer them in the right amount of detail.  Get people to reconfirm that they understand the instructions.
  • Be aware of noise and other barriers and avoid – for example, standing too near others who are talking can distract.  Speak at the right level for that person.
  • Take into account what tools the person has and modify the instructions accordingly.  For example, it’s pointless telling the person there is blue sky and green grass if the person has only a black pen!
  • Consider your knowledge of that person and their capabilities. Adapt your instructions accordingly. (It’s easier where you know the person, have a relationship and trust them.)
  • Avoid an unnatural environment – for some, not being able to face the person or not having eye contact tempted them to cheat because they found it unnatural.
  • Use eye-contact and other observation (e.g. body language) to assist in obtaining feedback.
  • Sometimes, the position of the person makes a difference.  In this exercise, because they were ‘back-to-back’, in some cases, the person instructing  transposed ‘left’ or ‘right’ for the person where this wasn’t necessary.
  • Past knowledge some-times interferes – for example, some people may have had previous exposure to a different type of ‘three-runged-swing’ and presumed, without hearing any further details, that the one they were to draw was identical to their past experience.

Ten Tips On Assertiveness

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  1. Know the difference between assertiveness and aggression
    • Assertiveness focuses on the problem.
    • Aggression focuses on the person frustrating your needs.
  2. So what is – or isn’t - assertiveness?
    • Assertiveness is truthful, open, non-judgemental communication that expresses your needs.
    • Assertive people feel good about themselves, act appropriately and take responsibility.
    • Assertiveness does not mean always saying what is on your mind regardless of whom you hurt.
    • Assertiveness does not mean that you’ll always get your own way.
  3. Your message
    • Know what you want and be specific. 
    • Structure your message using the PREP formula if possible (ask Brenda!).
    • Make your point without becoming involved in side issues.
    • Avoid going into lengthy explanations or giving long lists of excuses.
    • Where appropriate describe the benefits of your suggestion and plan of action and what the consequences will be if the goal is not achieved.
  4. How you deliver your message: 
    • Where people have different viewpoints and emotions are likely to be high, try to communicate ‘in person’ where possible.  Second choice would be a phonecall.  Try to avoid electronic means in situations like this.
    • State what you want clearly and without hesitancy.
    • Speak in the first person.  ‘I would prefer you to……….           ’
    • Maintain an erect posture whether sitting or standing and yet try to appear relaxed. 
    • Use eye contact, where appropriate, without staring
  5. Your feelings and behaviour: 
    • Don’t bottle up feelings. Express your feelings candidly and clearly – so the other person knows where you stand.
    • Don’t lose control. Stay calm and relaxed – don’t get hooked into an emotional response.
    • Give and take fair criticism.
    • Don’t be afraid of taking reasonable risks.
  6. The other person:
    • Try not to be upset by the other person’s expression of emotion (aggression, anger, sadness, fear etc.).  If possible and appropriate, help them to deal with their feelings.
  7. The process:
    • Don’t look for new ways of arguing.
    • Use the ‘broken record technique’. Simply repeat what you believe, decide or intend doing (and keep repeating it).  This way you avoid being manipulated and side-tracked.
  8. Give and take
    • Express your case with conviction, but do not neglect the position of the other person. 
    • Be prepared to listen and be objectively influenced by the other person’s needs or views. 
    • Concede any reasonable points but express your disagreement with issues you find unacceptable.
    • Learn to say ‘no’ without feeling guilty.
    • Do not begin a refusal with an apology.  Say ‘no’ firmly and keep your explanation short and clear.
  9. Example
    • Describe the situation, what is happening now.  For example, ‘This letter has three typing errors.’
    • Express your true feelings, your likes and dislikes using ‘I’ statements.  For example, ‘I am really upset that the letter was sent out with three mistakes.’  It makes your wishes and expectations clear without putting the other person on the defensive.
  10. Practise so you enhance your assertiveness skills
    A helpful formula provided by a workshop presented by Candy Tymson in Sydney is as follows:
    When you……………………………………..
    I feel ……………………….
    because………………..
    I would prefer you to…………………………

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Phone:+27 (0)33 342 5432
Fax:+27 (0)86 5188 205
Mobile:+27 (0)82 499 3311
E-mail:brenda@strategy-leadership.com

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